5 Technology Devices/Services to Help Make Your Caregiving a Little Easier

From the moment I chuckled at the hilarious shuttle driver on the way from O’Hare International Airport to the Marriott Chicago O’Hare hotel I knew the next few days were going to be amazing. Walking into the hotel the energy ramped up even more. It was a close call – I had 10 minute to check in to my room and get the early registration completed for the 2^nd Annual National Caregiving Conference – Our Boldest Hours: Before, During and After Caregiving.

I have to admit, I have some conflicting thoughts about technology and caregiving.   It’s true there are a lot of advantages to most of the technology. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. I don’t mean just the price. I also wonder if the set up and monitoring time is worth it.

My mom is 87 years old and is legally blind with macular degeneration. She is able to see quite a bit and gets along fine most of the time. Seeing anything in print and small things (like computer icons) is a challenge. My 87-year-old step dad has an iPad, and does OK with it to read the news, post the odd things on Facebook, and he even remembers how to text every now and then. Would he remember how to use the iPad or any other technology on a regular basis? Not likely. He’s a smart man. There’s a lot of new things for him to learn on the technology front.

It’s a 7 – 8 hour drive to wear my mom and step-dad live. I can’t just pop over a couple times a week to make sure devices are charged and to review operating instructions.

That’s the main reason the technology panel was first session I went to at the conference. I was curious to see if there is some technology support that would truly be easier for me. Or would my hypothesis that the technology is super and innovative – and it would be more work for me to not only convince my mom and step-dad to use it, but to also keep it working on their end.

Technology Device/Service#1:         Medminder.com

This website offers a number of solutions, including pill dispensers for purchase, alert options and even medication delivery services. It looks like a pretty awesome service and would be helpful for any family. I received a message from the company within minutes to let me know that as of now, they haven’t shipped to individuals in Canada.   There are some Canadian institutions using their services.  (I will do some more research into this after American Thanksgiving.)

Technology Device/Service #2:        Livhome.com/care-technology

This is something that could help a lot of families. It can bring a lot of peace of mind for both the person doing the caregiving and the caree. It requires comfort with using smartphones and tablets for it to work. The benefits are great: improve socialization and connection, sense of safety and security, helps with medication compliance, have video chats, share photos, collect and survey data trends, and receive calendar reminders.

Currently it is only available in Northern and Southern California, Texas and Illinois. Check out the website and send them an email if you’d like it offered where you live. They don’t know the demand until you ask for it.

Technology Device/Service #3       Caretree.me

During the presentation this website was referred to be “as easy as Facebook.”   It has a unique feature as it is set up for both families who are providing support and care for a loved one, and for the professionals who provide services to family caregivers. It is free to use for families and there are fees for the professionals to use this platform.

It helps families get a care assessment to find out specifically which services and professionals each family needs on their care team. One really cool feature is that once you have the profile set up and add your family as users, you can set their security level for what they can access and the system will automatically update them. Another cool feature is that you can have it set up with a paid caregiver who can check into the system and see task lists. It gives you peace of mind to know your loved one is being cared for and the important tasks are completed.

Some other features are: a marketplace, connecting the care team and the family, and EMR access.

I haven’t yet tested the family side of the service to see if it works in Canada. I am expecting there would be no glitches. I am not sure about the professional side. I will do some more research and put the update in a future blog post.

Technology Device/Service #4         Mother Monitoring System 

This is available on Amazon and helps track and monitor various activities, including sleep and medication schedules. It uses pieces called “cookies” that track the activities. For example, when a cookie is placed under a pill bottle “Mother” will alert you if the pill isn’t taken according to schedule.

Technology Device/Service #5     Jibo.com

Jiboo is a social robot. It looks pretty cool and would help entertain your loved one if they tend to get lonely. It might be just the thing to be able to get a break for a few minutes or hours.   My basic research didn’t come up with anything that shows it does a lot of monitoring. It seems like it might be fun.

One technology service that wasn’t included at the conference, but it is one I used when Callum was sick is Lotsa Helping Hands. www.lotsahelpinghands.com

It helped me schedule all the help I needed without having to take phone calls or return emails. I added what I needed to the calendar, sent the link and people signed up for what they wanted to do and what fit with their schedule. There are sections in the website to record pertinent medical and legal information. You can choose to have someone else be the administrator of your profile so the only thing you have to worry about is sending them the information of what you need. They do all the heavy lifting. It is a pretty cool site with lots of helpful information.

All that being said, I am curious about what you think. Please leave your answers in the comments section below:

Are they helpful for both you and the person you care for?

Will any of these technology devices or services work for you?

Do you have any technology tips for our caregiving friends?    

May you find peace, hope, and joy in every day.

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada.  Here are some last minute tips to help you.

1) Send flowers or a special gift.

For the past few years instead of buying and sending gifts to my in-laws for Christmas, I send a fresh floral table centerpiece. I search online for a local florist, then call and order based on my budget, and have it delivered right to them.

You can do this at Thanksgiving if you’d like a special way to send your love to your family when you can’t be there.

Many cities have delivery services, so if flowers aren’t your thing, you can send just about anything by calling the place you want to buy something, and then call the delivery service to pick it up.

2) Send a meal.

There are at least 2 options for meals.

One is Chef’s Plate. You can order between 1 – 3 meals /week. You choose the recipes online and the recipes and ingredients are delivered to the door of your family.

Another service is Skip the Dishes. They provide delivery of restaurant meals from partner restaurants. This is an awesome option for those who can’t get out to enjoy their favourite restaurant – and it makes a really nice “thinking of you” gift.

3) The Holiday Phone Call

Make your Thanksgiving Day phone call the day before or day after your Thanksgiving celebrations. It will be less hectic and you will be more present for the conversation. If you choose to make the call the day after your family celebration, make sure the person you are calling knows when to expect it so they aren’t disappointed to not get a call on the celebration day.

4) Virtual Get Together

Using an online platform like Zoom.us can bring the family together at the same time even when they live miles apart. With a free account you can have a Zoom call of up to 40 minutes. Only one person needs an account for everyone to take part in the call.   Your family can join by audio/video on the computer or audio by phone.   This is an excellent platform and I like better than Skype.

5) Plan a big celebration for a different time.

If you can’t make it to see your loved one on Thanksgiving weekend, commit to visiting them at a different time and plan a special meal or outing. In our family we have many schedules to consider and we’ve often had our holiday meals on a different weekend. It’s the get together that counts – not the date on the calendar.

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.”

Meister Eckhart

Happy Thanksgiving!

Lorna

The 3 Danger Signs of an Unhealthy Online or In Person Caregiver Support Group 

When you have a minute to catch your breath, you might have this thought run across your mind:

“If only I could __________.” And you fill in the blank with “have a hot meal, get a break to have a shower, or have someone take my loved one to their next appointment.”

It can easily be one of those little things that break the camel’s back and push you to feeling like running away.

Yet, things never seem to change and no one in your world really knows what you are going through. If you ever told them, you just know they’d never understand. Especially when you want to dump all those feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment and sadness. And for sure, you think they’d never forgive you for having times when you want to blame the person for whom you are caring, for the life you now have.   Nope. No one gets it. Except another caregiver.

A caregiver’s sanity can be saved by a supportive group of caregivers who know – just know – exactly how you are feeling. This has brought a rise in online support groups and forums that bring together those people who “get it.”   They understand the demands, lack of sleep and lack of respect and acknowledgement of what they do.   I belong to some wonderful and supportive online forums and Facebook groups.

What I caution against is using venting, especially if it is more on the bitching side, as a way to stay in your story. This tends to happen in groups where the members come together because of their uncomfortable emotions of a common experience.

What I’ve noticed in many of these types of groups, both in person and online, is that people feed off each other, and instead of feeling better after venting, they feel worse.

Here are 3 Danger Signs that will tell you if a group is one that will help you or hurt you:

Danger Sign #1: Comparing Your Experience to Someone Else’s Experience

There is a tendency for people to come away from “venting and bitching” groups believing they shouldn’t complain because someone is worse off than they are. On the other end of the scale, some come away feeling they aren’t understood because no one has it as bad as they do. The danger signal for this is when it seems like there is a competition of who has the “worst” story. An even more blatant danger sign is when someone tells you that their situation is worse than yours, and you might even feel disrespected.

Danger Sign #2: Self Righteousness

Another trap in these groups is that you receive validation and vindication for the depth and variety of your troubling emotions. The danger with this is it can leave you feeling self-righteous and you will tend to excuse your own unhealthy reactions. In other words, the anger, frustration and resentment gets stoked, which becomes seen outwardly as someone flying off the handle, yelling, screaming, or disengaging completely using the silent treatment. And you believe you have every right to these outbursts and it’s not your fault if anyone gets hurt in the crossfire. There is acceptance, perhaps even encouragement, for you to play the victim in your situation.

Danger Sign #3: Solutions and Positive Thinking are Frowned Upon

The wisdom of bringing caregivers together is important. Often the best solutions come from within the group. In an unhealthy group some members may make rude comments about solutions that have been offered. The other thing that happens is the statement “I’ve tried everything and nothing’s worked.”   In some groups I’ve seen attacks when someone posted a feel good type of meme. This group will have lots of venting and bitching in it, with little, if any, support with empathy or possible solutions.   I call this “dump and run.”   Most of the group is comprised of people who spew their problems, put up a brick wall to any suggestions on how to change things, and don’t offer any solutions to other people.

If you are involved with groups that have any of these danger signs you are at risk for taking on the role of victim and feeling helpless and hopeless that your life could be any better.

Your life has changed – yes.   You have lost dreams and possibly your future goals – yes. You can do nothing to improve your situation – that is a big myth.

Most likely you have felt the waves of anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness and resentment that are part of the caregiving world. It’s healthy to acknowledge and accept those feelings. Stuffing them inside is one of the worst things that you can do and I’m not suggesting you ignore these feelings   I teach many ways of accepting, allowing and releasing these kinds of feelings.

If you don’t find a healthy and supportive group of people, staying in the victim role will only fester the troubling emotions and perspective. It can be a downward spiral to depression, anxiety, and troubled family relationships.

What else can you do?

Bring back your sense of self. Life won’t be the same as it once was. That doesn’t mean you have to give up everything, including your hopes and dreams. The bridge is to discover how to keep one toe in the passion and excitement of your dreams, and the other toe in the reality of where you are in this present moment in time.

I know this from personal experience and from learning a very important system to making this come true in my life, and for the life of my husband. The last 3 years we had together were full of joy, peace, love and it wouldn’t have been that way if I hadn’t learned this information.

What made the difference is when we discovered what was important to each of us individually, and as a couple. We determined how we were going to get through this time in our life together and not give in to a pessimistic outlook. That would have been an easy thing to do.

The way I see it, you have a choice.

You can decide whether you will look in the mirror and not recognize who you have become because caregiving has infiltrated every ounce of your life and leaving you stripped of who you really are,

Or

You can find clarity on what is important to you now and flip it around – bring caregiving into your life, not have it be the only life you know. Find out what is important to you and your loved one and focus on that.

You are not a victim – you are a strong and compassionate person, with a big “job” to do that you weren’t expecting.

Surround yourself with people who will support you, are compassionate about your situation, and who will give real help for you to keep one toe in your dreams, goals and joy.

For information on workshops and coaching sessions where I share exactly what helped me and my husband get clarity on what was important to us in his final 3 years of life, and how we set it all into motion, please contact me at Lorna@TheCaregiversLighthouse.com, (403) 548-8437, or 1 -888-746-8130

Life with no regrets.   You can do it!

Solitude. A million dollars.  Which do you believe you have a better chance of getting this year?

I bet more than a few of you would raise your hand for the million dollars. To be fair, I am specifically talking about solitude – not being alone.

What’s the difference?

Let’s use my Friday evening as an example. I live alone.  I am alone – a lot.   Friday evening I was planning on having a massage.  Something unexpected happened and my massage therapist had to reschedule the appointment to the next day.  Now, it was later in the evening, and I was way past any good “thinking” time.  Yet I worked on a couple of things, and then, surfed Facebook.  Yup.  I was alone. I did not take advantage of enjoying any solitude.  In hindsight, I could have turned off the computer and taken advantage of the silence.  Asking myself about my next steps, is there anything I’d like to change in my life, is there something or someone I should connect with? I stayed alone.  I missed the chance to experience solitude.

Don’t get me wrong. Solitude doesn’t have to come with a big epiphany or life changing idea. It is just about taking time for you to think, to ponder, to ask your heart questions – and be quiet enough to hear the answer.

On Sunday, I took a few moments of solitude. It wasn’t a long time and it wasn’t any life altering “aha”.  Well, my neighbours might eventually feel that way!

I have not yet finished my front yard landscaping. I took a few moments to look out the front window, and dream about what I’d like to see there. I imagined the flowers in a flower bed next to the driveway, some hostas further up next to the sidewalk to the front door.  I imagined landscaping rock, a fountain and some small bushes that would add character, and, not block my view of the park across the street.

That was how I used my solitude time.

Those few minutes moved me further on the path to having the front yard landscaped than all those critical thoughts of “Oh – you just have to get that finished!” Or worse “What do your neighbours think?”

Still not sure about the difference between being alone and solitude?

Let’s have a look at the definitions.

Alone means by oneself, separate from others.

Solitude means the quality or state of being alone.

Perhaps I’m splitting hairs. Here is my take on what the difference is, and why it matters.

I tend to think of being alone often as being lonely, maybe satisfied or comfortable, but not necessarily in a state of solitude.

Take the same situation, and add in a state of peace, calm and serenity, and I would suggest that it becomes a state of solitude.

Consider for a moment a busy mom who finally finds a few moments to herself. The kids are playing at the neighbour’s and she is alone in the house.

Or it might be the career professional who has said good bye to her youngest child as they leave for college. Every day she wakes up to the silence of being alone.

Then there’s the woman who couldn’t wait to get to mid-life to retire and enjoy all the freedom that was promised. Kids are gone, she may or may not have a spouse who is working, or who may also retired.  The promise of freedom means she is alone.

I would hazard to guess most moments each of these women feel more alone than the peace that solitude brings.

These examples could span 25- 30 years, or more of a woman’s life. And yet there is something in common.  When faced with being alone, why do they not find solitude?

This question popped into my head when I ready this quote by Anne Morrow Lindbergh:

“If women were convinced that a day off or an hour of solitude was a reasonable ambition, they would find a way of attaining it. As it is, they feel so unjustied in their demand that they rarely make this attempt.”

If I were to take a peek into the window of these women’s homes, I suspect I would see them adding to their “to do” lists, catching up on laundry, housework, and meal preparations. The younger moms may be checking homework assignments, school schedules and extracurricular activities.  The older moms may be going through whatever their kids left behind, looking for a course to take, or cleaning out the store room.  Maybe even going through the last 20 years of photographs and organizing them.

Not many would grab the book they’ve been waiting for weeks, months, or even years, to read. Or going to the park – with nothing to do but enjoy the nature in all its beauty.

This is what I think Anne Morrow Lindbergh meant when she talked about soliltude. It’s about being happy with ourselves in the present moment.  Being alone, in silence, so we can hear the whispers of our soul.

In our day to day life there is a lot of noise. Usually it is the wants, needs and expectations of others that is running our show.  Oh yes, we have expectations, too.  Usually they have something to do with living up to those other expectations and our extra super high expectations of ourselves.

Let’s interrupt your show. You can start with a small commercial break if want.

Find some alone time that includes a peaceful state of solitude.

When you are alone and sitting quietly, put your awareness on your heart. Imagine you are breathing in and out of your heart.

Ask your heart what it wants – and then listen. Sit in solitude as long as possible to hear as many answers as possible.

Trust that the answers you receive are the desires buried deep within you – the desires that will light up your life when you are in touch with them, and take steps toward living them.

Here’s the oxymoron part of this whole thing.

We don’t take moments of solitude because we think we don’t have time and that it isn’t all that important. Our family needs us.  Our friends need us.  Our work wouldn’t manage without us. So we give, and give and give.  Eventually we are unhappy and disconnected to what is important to us.  Our relationships suffer.  Especially the relationship with the person we see in the mirror.

By taking a few minutes every day, and even more on the weekend, you will get reconnected to your essence, the real you, and you will be happier, more content and once again be who you really are.

You will feel more fulfilled, happier and enjoy more loving relationships. You will be excited and proud of whom you see in the mirror.

Which life do you want?

A life of sacrifice to make others happy? Or a life where you are happy – and then others around you are happy?

You can take those moments, listen to your heart, rediscover yourself – and it won’t even cost a million dollars.

If you want to know more about you can discover those moments of solitude, peace, happiness and better relationships in your life, contact me at Lorna@TheCaregiversLIghthouse.com

After spending too many hours indoors in the winter it is tempting to be outside as much as possible at this time year. Just like icy sidewalks and wind chills of the winter, the summer weather brings its own dangers for the person you are caring for – and for you. Heat emergencies can seem to come on suddenly and they can be easily avoided.

It’s a good practice to confirm the weather before you head outside – and be prepared for the weather to change.

Put sunscreen on any part of your body that will be exposed to the sun.  Remember the ears, back of neck, nose, and top of your head. Even if you or who are caring for has some hair, it                    may be thinning, and not protecting the top of your head.  Remember your hat!

Drink lots of water. It is easy to get dehydrated when outside in the  warmer weather. We don’t get the signal we are thirsty until long past the  time dehydration has already set in.

Wear sunglasses and protect your eyes from damage from the sun. This is    especially important for those with diseases of the eye, for example,  macular degeneration.

Talk to your medical team. Check with your doctor to see if you or your loved one have any health issues that can get worse is warmer weather. Also check with your pharmacist to see if the effectiveness of the medications are impacted when you are in the sun, or if there are any side effects that may become more prominent when you are in the sun

Know the signs of hyperthermia: body temperature higher than 40  degrees Celsius; a change of behavior (acting confused, agitated or grouchy), dry, flushed skin, nausea and vomiting, headache, heavy  breathing or rapid pulse, not sweating, even when you should be sweating, and fainting.

There are many great reasons for taking your caregiving time outside in the sun whenever you can be there. Don’t be shy about being outdoors. Keep safety in mind and enjoy your summer!

“Grandma, when can I have a sleep over at your house?”

I looked deep into the eyes of my 5-year-old grandson, Rowan, as he sat on his bike looking back at me, patiently waiting for an answer.

“On Saturday you can have a sleep over.”

“How far away is that?” he asked.

“5 more sleeps.’ I replied.

“OK,” he said, and rode off on his bike, satisfied and happy.

This conversation got me thinking.

Why can’t I be as forthright asking for what I want?

Rowan didn’t think twice about asking for he wanted. He asked as freely as he would ask for a glass of milk. He believed he would get what he wanted. OK. Maybe in that case it’s easier for him to believe that he’d have a sleep over at grandma’s house. It is grandma, after all.

I’ve seen situations where people have been offended by the boldness of a child’s request. They call it rude, inappropriate, and often the child is scolded or pushed aside for being upfront about their wants and needs.

That is why it’s hard for us to be forthright. A young child learns how to cope with disappointment when their request isn’t fulfilled. When they are encouraged to ask for what they want, they get enough yeses that the disappointments don’t have a big impact. When they get scolded, ridiculed or pushed aside, they feel hurt and might not even understand why they got that reaction to their question.

It is that pain we carry with us to adulthood. It is that pain that builds the brick wall and cements our belief that we can’t count on others and must be able to do everything ourselves.

It’s time to change.

When you are caregiving for a loved one, asking for what you want is a necessity, not a luxury. This lesson I learned the hard way when I didn’t ask for enough help earlier in my journey when I was caring for my husband, leading to 4 cracked teeth from the clenching my jaw for I don’t even know how long. It took a full year of massage therapy to unlock my clenched jaw. One. Full. Year.   That is pretty powerful evidence that I’d been holding stress. And that was the physical evidence. I have no idea what was going on inside my body.   Accepting help when I was caregiving for Callum would have decreased the stress and given me a chance to bring some regular stress management strategies in my life. I didn’t, and I paid for it.

Don’t let that happen to you.

Whether you are looking for someone to go with you to a movie, come to your place for tea, visit with your loved one or mow your grass, there are key points we can learn from Rowan.

Be clear on what you want.

Rowan knew exactly what he wanted – a sleepover with grandma.

If someone would come and give you a break, exactly what would you do?

Don’t worry about what other people think.

Rowan didn’t give it a second thought that his mom was standing right there, listening to our conversation.

You deserve to have what you want. Don’t worry about the opinions of other people. What other people think is none of your business.

 Believe you will get what you ask for.

Rowan asked as if he knew the answer would be yes. True, there was a better than good chance that he’d get a yes from grandma. By asking the question, he still invited the possibility of a no, or an answer he didn’t want to hear.

Don’t listen to the chirping monkeys in your brain, telling you that you can’t have what you want. There are many people in your life who are waiting to help you. You give them a gift by allowing them to help. It is true. Believe it.

Clarify what you want and negotiate.

Rowan clarified his request by asking when he could have the sleepover, and how far away it would be.

When you accept help, ask questions to be sure everyone has the same understanding of what you asked for and how/when they will help. Be willing to adjust your request when it still helps you get what you are asking for,

Confirm understanding.

My interaction with Rowan was quick. It was easy to confirm the understanding that the sleepover was on Saturday, 5 sleeps away.

When you have come to an agreement, review the details of the agreement to getting what you want and confirm the agreement with the other person.

There is nothing wrong – and everything right – about getting what you want and need. It is a necessity, not a luxury.

Children show wisdom that we can use as adults. Let’s follow their lead.

Comment below or send me an email to let me know the first thing you will ask for so you get what you want.   Lorna@TheCaregiversLighthouse.com

May you find peace, hope, and joy in every day.

Your mindset and attitude will make or break your day.

Too often, before we even get out of bed in the morning, our minds are cluttered with the things we have on the to do list. By the time we sit down for breakfast (do you take the time for breakfast?) we feel overwhelmed and can dread what the day holds in store for us.

Now, I can’t promise that doing the following two simple things will be life changing. I can say, if you choose to do them, it can change your day. What are these two mysterious, even magical things?

Making your bed and a clean and empty kitchen sink.

Keep reading! This may sound simple. Maybe even boring. The truth is, it is simple. Yet these two things are often left undone, and the impact to your day is huge.

Here’s why.

Many of the messages and thoughts we have every day go largely unnoticed by our conscious mind. The subconscious mind deals with a lot of what we say to ourselves. Some of these messages come from our environment. That’s why decluttering has become the latest rage. A clear environment helps decrease stress. An unmade bed and sink full of dirty dishes help add to the stress. Whether you are caregiving for aging parents, a spouse or other family members, doing, these two things alone can help set you up for a much brighter day.

I’ve experienced this myself. When I walk into my kitchen in the morning with a sink full of dirty dishes, I try to not look at them. It feels like another brick on the wall of things I’ll never have time to do. I feel much better and in control of my day when I take the time in the evening to put them in the dishwasher and wash up the rest and put them away. It really takes little time, even though I’ve talked myself out of it on many occasions.

When I was young, I couldn’t figure out why it was necessary to make my bed in the morning when I was just going to mess it up at night. Now that I’m “all grown up” I notice how much better I feel all day when I’ve started it out with an accomplishment. In about 3 minutes the bed is made. Simple. Quick. And it kick starts my day into awesomeness! It’s also a reminder that I did accomplish something, especially later on in the day when I’m feeling dragged out or things aren’t going as I’d planned.

If you’d like to level up these activities, add gratitude into them. While you are making the bed, think about all the things that bring gratitude. Make it easy, say thank you for sheets, blankets, mattresses, pillows, nightstand, lights, flooring. Look around your room and say thanks to everything you see.

When you put the dishes away, give thanks for the dishes, the stove, the oven, the food, the fridge, and the counter. Say thanks for everything you see. Feeling genuinely grateful is a massive mindset changer.

There you have it. Take 3 minutes to make your bed. Take 10 minutes to put the dishes in the dishwasher. You can delegate each of those tasks. The goal is to have your bed made in the morning and the kitchen sink empty at night. How you make that happen is up to you.

This is my challenge to you – try this for at least 66 days. The new neurological research says it can take up to 66 days to form a new habit. See how it works for you.

Please leave me a comment on this challenge. Do you have tips to make this even easier?

How did the 66 day challenge work out for you?

Send me an email if you’d like to share or ask questions.

May you find peace, hope, and joy in every day.

The topic of New Year’s Resolutions has got to bring on some of the most timeless and interesting debates of our time. You may or may not believe in resolutions. Fair enough. Keep reading. I share my thoughts on the different views of resolutions, and offer suggestions for 5 resolutions you might consider for 2017. These aren’t anything major and are easy to do. Their impact for you will be huge!

On one side, there are people who think making resolutions are silly and set people up for failure.

This does describe some people. When this happens, it’s usually because resolutions are made impulsively and without thought of how to carry them out. It’s almost more wishing, than resolving. These resolutions may be born out of a significant emotional pain, perhaps from ill health, broken relationships or financial losses. There are some people who hold the belief that it is just not helpful to make resolutions. There seems to be no pain or other reason for their opinion. It just is what they think.

 More recently I’ve noticed more people who use resolutions as a 1-year challenge to test out a new habit. For example, I know someone who loved candy and sweets. His resolution was to eat no candy for one full year. Honestly, I don’t remember if he made it through the whole year with no candy. He did make it through quite a few months candy-free! This is an interesting way to look at resolutions. It might be the way to try out a healthier habit, without feeling like you can never go back to the bad habit. A lot less pressure when you limit the time you commit instead of facing the rest of your life without whatever you want to change. There is no doubt this can help with making a permanent change and might be the tactic that works for you!

 Another group of people are the ones who fully believe in making change starting in the new year. They are committed to reviewing what worked well, and what would have worked better in the past year. They thoughtfully and diligently plan the upcoming year. This may not be so much about making resolutions. I think many are true goal setters and know their success lies in reviewing their successes and areas of improvement. They see the value of being clear about what they want in the next year, writing down the goals and steps to take, and creating a plan. Even a “loose” plan can put you miles ahead of your family, friends and colleagues.

 As promised, here are some resolutions (if you call them that) for you to consider for 2017:

•  Drink one more glass of water per day than you do now.

Dehydration causes all sorts of problems in your body without you knowing it. By the time you feel thirsty, you are already dehydrated. Some symptoms that may surprise you are confusion and physical weakness. Without a properly hydrated body you may experience foggy thinking, have trouble concentrating and become very moody. Doing physical activities like gardening or housecleaning may start to tire you out sooner than they should. Extreme cases of dehydration become a medical emergency. The best way to prevent it is to drink water throughout the day. Fill up a water bottle in the morning and take it with you everywhere, refilling it when empty.  

•  Get in an extra 100 steps a day.

Even though you may feel like you are running around all day, you likely aren’t getting in as many steps as you think. There is a lot of emotional exhaustion that takes a toll on you physically, and leaves you exhausted. Instead of trying to add 4 hours or more in workouts to your week, try a few steps at a time. Park at the far end of the row in a parking lot. Use the stairs instead of an elevator. Walk around the block on your lunch or coffee break. Walk from one room in your house to another an extra 10 times a day. You can fit it in.

•  Practice saying positive thoughts to yourself.

Write down these statements on a 5 x 7 card, or put them into your smartphone as a reminder. Read them 3 times a day, reading them out loud as often as possible. Add other statements that lift you up. Remember to start with the words “I am” and to make them positive.   Send me an email if you have any questions about this.

I am strong and courageous.

I am worthy.

I am doing the best that I can.

I am deserving of good things.

I am loved.  

This is also a great resource – then you don’t even have to think about it!  Power Thoughts 

•  Find a relaxation strategy or method that you can use to keep you calm, or for when you are overwhelmed and exhausted, and you want back in a state of calm.

Use whatever method works for you. You might try a few different ones to see which you like best. Get a guided relaxation here. (just enter your email and I’ll send it to you.)  You might like to write and you can pick up a journal or scribbler at the dollar store for $3 or less. If you don’t know how to get started writing, ask yourself a question: “How am I feeling right now?” “Why?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why?”   Make a playlist of music that soothes your soul. Listen to it often, even if you don’t think you “need” to.   Watch comedies. There are lots of old comedy sit-coms on YouTube. Do something that makes you laugh. Laughter yoga has been shown to be beneficial for many – learn more: scroll down to Episode 22.

•  Practice gratitude.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record when I say this because I say it so often. It is just that important. If it’s hard to feel grateful right now, try writing down one thing you are grateful for each day.   After a week, make it 3 things a day you are grateful for. After another week, write down 5 things you are grateful for. Then keep doing this every day. You can always write down more than 5. Commit to at least 5. When you are stuck, use some of these:

 I am grateful I woke up today.

I am grateful for what I had to eat today.

I am grateful for my bed.

I am grateful for running water.

I am grateful for sunshine.

I am grateful for my car.

I am grateful for my neighbours.

I am grateful for my mom (or dad, sister, brother, daughter, son, etc)

I am grateful for the minute I had all to myself.

 There is a lot of research and science behind the benefits of gratitude. Go here and click on Episode 16 and find out more about some research studies.

This is the journal I first used when starting to write my daily gratitudes.  The Gratitude Journal

 Whether you call these things resolutions, goals or habits doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you choose at least one suggestion, if not all 5, and try them out. You decide what you want to call them, and whether or not you want to make a permanent habit change or want to try them out for a limited time. I encourage you to try them for at least 30 days, preferably 60 days.   It took more than 60 days to get you where are today, it’s worth a 60 day commitment to something that will transform how you feel about you, and your life.

 There are 2 books I highly recommend for going deeper into getting clarity about what you do want, and steps to take to start moving towards what you want. They are

The Success Principles

 The Passion Test.

I am a certified facilitator in both methods and can help you if you have any questions. These are the strategies and systems that are the foundation of my work with clients, both one on one and in workshops.

 I wish you all the best in 2017.  

 May you find peace, hope, and joy in every day.

 Lorna

P.S. Did you get your free copy of my book Walking the Journey Together … Alone? Get it here.   Share with everyone you know who is caring for a loved one with a terminal of long term illness.

P.P.S. There are some exciting changes coming from The Caregiver’s Lighthouse in 2017. Keep your eyes peeled!

Thud! Your body is so heavy it’s like instant paralysis. It feels like an out of body experience. Disbelief. Heartbreak. The day you find out your spouse, child, sibling or parent had been diagnosed with a terminal illness is one, if not the most, devastating day in your life.

Up until that point, your “what if’s” likely centered around cars that might break down, whether your furnace will make it through another winter, and possibly even whether or not to take a new job.

Up until that point, you never wondered:

“What if this is the last Christmas with my loved one?”

And

“What if they are too sick to enjoy their last Christmas?”

After we found out the cancer metastasized after Callum had held it at bay for 2 years, our ‘what if’s” jumped from one extreme to another.

One minute we faced reality “What if things don’t go as well as expected? Maybe we should sell our house and move back to Medicine Hat for the last few months we have left together?”

The next minute we jumped into hope “What if the treatment works and they are wrong about how much time is left?”

Learning to live with a terminal disease that consumes your life is like hopscotch on steroids. Jump here, no there, now this way, one foot, two feet. Every moment can bring strong emotions, gut wrenching worry, optimistic hope and a desire to enter your personal amazing race and do everything you can as fast as you can because you don’t know when time will run out.

Here are the top 3 strategies you can use to make this Christmas and holiday season joyful and filled with memories you can treasure for the rest of your life.

     Bring Out the Joy

You might be tempted to scale back celebrations and have a more solemn and somber holiday time with family and friends. You have good reason to not go overboard with social events and celebrations. You may wonder if your loved one is well enough for visitors, holiday fun and if they can eat what is laid on the table for holiday food. Your mind goes back to “What if” and all the bad things that could happen jump into your mind. I encourage you to flip that around and start to think about doing as much of your regular holiday celebrations as possible.

At Callum’s 50^th birthday party I was so worried about his health, about him overdoing it, and that he wouldn’t take the time to rest. I even had family move his recliner to the venue where we had the party so he could be comfortable. He never used it. He was so thrilled to see people and visit that he propped himself up on his crutches nearly all day. I couldn’t believe he could go so long without a nap. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes, especially those really precious moments, we can allow a lot of joy into the moment when we let go, let our loved one take the lead, and allow it to happen. Was he tired for the next week? Absolutely. Did it really impact his health? Not at all. It was worth it for him to have those memories for the time he had left. It has been worth it for our family to have those memories of his smile, his gratitude, and his love.

Your action step is to decide what you think is reasonable for your Christmas and holiday celebrations. Then ask yourself “If I could do 5% more to increase our joy, I would do _______________.” Then do it.

   Don’t Do It Alone

Caregivers deserve help. You deserve help. This strategy includes the practical help like asking someone to look after making the main holiday dinner; doing the decorating for you; helping with the shopping and gift wrapping, etc.   These are great ways to save you time, some money and keep you sane through the holidays.

There are some other things people can help you make this a memorable holiday when you are going through all the emotional turmoil of facing the likelihood that this is the last Christmas with your loved one.

The first thing to do is to have a conversation with your loved one about what each of you wants during holiday celebrations. A common mistake families make is to not pay attention to their own wants, and focus only on what your ill loved one wants. Your wants are important. This is a delicate negotiating-type conversation. You want to have memories that you will cherish throughout the rest of your life, after your loved one has passed.

Talk with the rest of your immediate (and extended family if that pertains to you) family about their wishes for the holiday season. They most likely have some special moments in mind that they would like to share.

Schedule your down time for at least every second day during December. Even investing 15 minutes to an hour of quiet time, away from the hustle and bustle will help you get through the marathon of the season, and help you get to the new year in a healthier state.

Once you have a general idea of what your holiday time will look like, make a list as many details as you can. Next to each thing on the list, put one or two names of someone who can help with this. You might be able to delegate all of it, and at least quite a bit of it.

  Memory Planning

This is a spot where reality collides with hope. First of all, keep your hope alive. Our family had 3 “last” Christmases. It might happen for you. Reality will tell you to be prepared that this is the last Christmas with your loved one. What do you want to remember about this holiday season? As Stephen Covey says in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People says, “Start with the end in mind.”

Here are some things to consider that other caregivers have missed, and then had regrets later.

• Take photographs/video (make sure you get some with you in them!)
• Have a professional family photo done
• Who do you/your loved one absolutely want to visit?
• Grocery shopping/delivery
• Gift wrapping
• Helping your loved one with sending their cards
• Helping your loved one make telephone calls to people who they might not see during the holidays
• Keep a scrapbook/journal of favourite sayings, jokes, and enjoyable moments during the holidays
• Invite friends, family and colleagues to email Christmas messages to your loved one – and you.

This time of year is stressful for many people, and especially overwhelming when you are faced with losing a loved one. To help reduce holiday stress for you, I created a Holiday Survival Guide, which you can get here.

Please comment below with your biggest challenge or worry for this holiday season. I will answer and give suggestions for you in upcoming blogs.

May you find peace, hope, and joy in every day.

Lorna